I know that since childhood I have carried my mother’s worry and confusion, sadness and guilt, because I was born with Cerebral Palsy.
Because I soon noticed that my mother would always cry when my disability was mentioned, even though it wasn’t even talked about much at home, I tried my best to protect my mother from the sadness caused by my disability and me being different. I experienced constant shame and inadequacy because I could not make my disability disappear, no matter how hard I tried. Only recently have I begun to realize the trauma of disability I have carried since childhood.
As a small child I began to realize that my body isn’t normal and will never function like other people’s. I learned from a very young age to be ashamed of myself all the time. I was ashamed of my special way of walking, I was ashamed of how I looked when I walked, which also included the shame of being seen and heard. I was ashamed of how my steps echoed heavier than others. In Finland, you shouldn’t be different and be seen and heard. I was ashamed of falling regularly. I was ashamed if my pants or tights broke from falling, the pain and the bruises were completely secondary. For years I was ashamed of the fact that I was different.
Next year will be the third year in a row I’m organising Disability Pride in Finland. Disability Pride can, and in my opinion should be seen as courage to be ourselves, as opposite of shame, as visibility instead of invisibility, as giving a voice instead of silence. Disability is a natural part of human diversity.